28 February 2006

How Wayne tamed the black dog  

Mike Sheahan - Herald Sun

WAYNE Schwass knew he was "living every boy's dream", yet he still couldn't find inner peace.

"I had everything to live for materially and I just wasn't a happy person," the 282-game veteran told the Herald Sun this week.

"I remember thinking, 'Why aren't I happy?'. It had nothing to do with footy, it had to do with what was going on inside my head. I was miserable.

"I was living every boy's dream, and getting well compensated for it, but there were times when I just thought it was better not to be here than to be here.

"I'm pleased to say it never got that far but it's very scary when you're in the grip of depression. A thought can turn into an obsessive thought and because you replay these thoughts over and over, you start to think, 'Maybe I do want to do it (end it)'.

"I don't think it ever got close, but those thoughts frightened me."

Schwass has broken his silence on a nine-year battle with depression, a battle fought at the height of a distinguished career that included a premiership and three best-and-fairest awards.

He was in the grip of depression for three years in the early 1990s and didn't consider himself healed until 2001.

He said counselling and medication helped him beat what former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill referred to as the black dog.

"Whatever it is, it follows you. It's like your companion. When you're in the grip of depression, it tries to claim your soul, tries to break you down," Schwass said.

"There are so many conversations going on in your head and invariably they're negative and destructive: 'I'm a bad person; I'm a failure, I'm weak, I'm a fraud'.

"They come and stay inside your head and just keep repeating themselves over and over again.

"It was like a heavy fog sitting right on my forehead and I couldn't get rid of it. When I'd wake up, it was there again."

Schwass said his decision to leave the Roos, where he played in the 1996 premiership team and won two best-and-fairests, saved his career.

Even then, he suffered anxiety and panic attacks in Sydney.

"I remember thinking, 'For goodness sake, I'm 30 years of age; you should have your stuff together by now'."

He played 98 games in five seasons with the Swans, saying he was a far more consistent player than he had been with the Roos.

"It was like I'd started school again; it was such a breath of fresh air."

Schwass refused to accept he had depression until he agreed to professional help after several years.

"I spent a lot of time being angry and feeling sorry for myself. Asking 'why me?'.

"I'd seen various doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists along the way; I was on prescribed medication from '93-97 and there was probably only one time where I gave it a fair go.

"I always saw medication as a weakness. I guess I grew up in an environment where you just had to be seen to be strong.

"The problem with depression for me was when you're up and going, you've got your stuff together, you don't need doctors and medication. Then when you fall back, the world is the worst place you can be.

"Once you get past the anger and the resentment and the self-pity, you begin to accept it, which means you can begin to understand it and learn new skills to cope with it.

"It's not a reflection of me, I didn't ask for it; it's a medical condition.

"There's a tremendous sense of shame, embarrassment and guilt that comes with mental illness, but you can compound that a hundred times with the mere thought of what other people you know and care about and value think about it.

"I've sat down with my family and close friends and I've told them, and the response has been just mind-blowing. Just how proud they are of what I've done, what I've achieved and what I'm planning to do with the (Sunrise) foundation."

His wife, Rachel, is the only person who knows the story from start to finish.

He also confided in then Kangaroos club doctor, Harry Unglik, who steered him through years of inner turmoil in Melbourne.

"It's not just the sufferer who goes through the pain of depression. It's your partner. From the day I was diagnosed, she's seen the worst and she's seen the best.

"Part of the reason for doing what I'm doing is for people to learn the impact it has on those closest to the sufferer.

"I've dragged her through the mill, unfortunately. She never asked for it, nor did she deserve it, but she's still there. She is the main reason why I've been able to manage this whole issue."

The Schwasses have twin daughters, Indigo and Tameka, 2.

"Without Rach and without Harry, I have no idea what life might have held," he said.

Schwass said he suspected depression was an understated problem in football.

"It's an issue for all sports. You look at the pressures associated with poor form, with injury, delisting, being traded, financial matters, relocation, media, homesickness. I hid it for 14 years; if I did it . . . I hear things; I've still got great mates who play footy; I see things.

"I'm sure there are a lot of people who are either ashamed, too embarrassed or just don't know what to do."

He understands a survey by the AFL Players' Association showed more than 8 per cent of players indicated they had sought help for or made inquiries about depression.

"I think it would be safe to say the real numbers would be even higher.

"We need an infrastructure to cater for this."

Schwass suspects his problem started in his late teens.

"Probably round the age of 18, 19, 20. There were times when I'd get an overwhelming sense of sadness for no apparent reason, but it would pass.

"I doubted myself enormously when I was playing under-19s football.

"There was one thing I was confident of and that was my ability to play footy, but I had no confidence as a person.

"It was so important that I was accepted as a person. I was captain of a team that went on to win a (under-19) premiership, but I doubted whether my mates really liked me. I used to sit there and think, 'Do they really like me as a bloke? Am I funny? Am I easy to get along with?' "

He took refuge in an alcoholic haze.

"Alcohol was my friend and my enemy. It took me a long time to work out it's just not for me.

"I always used to say to Rachel, whilst I drank, I felt confident and I could forget about the stuff I was dealing with, but every time I woke up after a big session on the grog, I hated the person I was.

"I hated myself with a passion. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I wasn't doing the right thing by myself, by Rachel and by my footy at times.

"I didn't have the strength to make the right decision. If you can't trust yourself, how can other people trust you?

"I never drank to enjoy it; I drank to write myself off. It caused problems for me personally, caused problems in my marriage and, to a lesser extent, with my family.

"I choose not to drink now and I'm very comfortable with that. I know it (depression) is past. I can't give you a watertight guarantee it won't come back. What I can say is I'm aware of what depression is, I'm aware of the signs and the symptoms, I've got skills.

"I'm confident I've managed it extremely well and that I've moved forward in so many areas of my life."