28 February 2006

Dark days are over for Schwass  

Mike Sheahan - Herald Sun

FORMER Kangaroos and Sydney star Wayne Schwass battled depression in secret for more than half his AFL career.

Schwass, who played from 1988 to 2002, told the Herald Sun this week his cocky on-field persona hid a relentless battle with his demons.

"I had a very bleak outlook on life," Schwass said.

"I actually loathed the person I was. I've often said when I was depressed it was like the colour had faded from my life. It could be a beautiful sunny day outside, but it wasn't beautiful and sunny for me."

Schwass, 37, has broken his silence to highlight what he says is a disturbing and largely neglected problem in the community and sport, including football at the top level.

He will launch the Sunrise Foundation at Telstra Dome today, with the backing of community and business leaders.

"I went through long periods of negative thoughts about myself," the 1996 premiership player said.

"It didn't matter what I was achieving on the sporting field, I just had a very poor opinion of myself.

"I thought I was a failure. I thought I was weak.

"It was a confusing time; I didn't have the skills to cope with a mental illness.

"I really struggled to get through the days. The only time I got any rest was when I fell asleep, but, as sure as the sun rose the next day, the cycle started again.

"This went on for years."

Schwass said he was so depressed during the early 1990s, he contemplated suicide several times, once while driving his car in Melbourne, another time with friends in a high-rise apartment on the Gold Coast.

"Here I was, I was 25, playing the greatest game at the highest level, I was vice-captain to one of the greatest players ever to play the game (Wayne Carey) and my world was just falling apart," he said.

He became a binge drinker who drowned his sorrows after games, then battled with remorse the following day. He no longer drinks alcohol.

Schwass said he was saved by AFL medical commissioner Harry Unglik, then the Kangaroos' doctor.

Only Unglik was aware of the depth of the problem, while North Melbourne teammates and friends Anthony Rock and Ian Fairley were trusted with the secret.

"I relied on Harry more than anybody else in the footy club for probably two or three years," Schwass said.

He held my hand. I would never have gone to any of my coaches because I just didn't think they would have understood," Schwass said.

"With mental illness, you've just got to find that person you can trust."

Schwass said there were numerous occasions when Unglik coaxed him into playing or training.

In his darkest times, he often cried himself to sleep.

"There was a period in 1993 when I cried myself to sleep for no reason whatsoever for two weeks," he said.

"I could not understand what was happening, but I vividly remember lying in bed next to (wife and then fiancee) Rachel and crying myself to sleep every night for two weeks."

Now a commentator for Fox Footy and a contributor to the Herald Sun, Schwass said counselling and medication helped him overcome the problem by 2001.

He feels liberated since deciding to go public with his battle, prompted by what he said was footballer Nathan Thompson's brave announcement in 2004 of his battle with depression.

"I want it out there. I'm really comfortable with the person I am and I've accepted my life. I know I'm doing the right thing," Schwass said.

"There's that little thought, 'How are people going to react?'. I just hope I don't lose any respect, but that's out of my hands.

"All I know is it's very exciting to be in a position to do something for the rest of your life where you can help and offer hope to people."